“I needed a drink, I needed a lot of life insurance, I needed a vacation, I needed a home in the country. What I had was a coat, a hat and a gun. I put them on and went out of the room.”
― Raymond Chandler, Farewell, My Lovely
I am drinking my coffee right now but I am thinking that I can do with a vacation and I wish to have a home in the country?What I had was a coat and I have luggage which are full of memories .I have luggage and I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there .
Does this sound like a circular reference to you? And it sound so repetitive isn’ it ?I should let it go .I should do it .There are so many people who talk about how important they feel it is to “let go” of things that hinder our lives: past experiences, toxic relationships, negative people, poor choices, mistakes we have made however that is the synapse of life ..learn something new ,make mistake then be able to move on and start again .Life sounds like a spinning wheel and the more you spin the more options you take ,,,
I do not know about you, but I find that this process is good in theory — but does not work in practice! Not always does, though but this is based merely on my experience .When I focus on that which I need to let go, it exacerbates the issue at hand (akin to rubbing sand in a wound) and does not get rid of it. I am finding that the best way to really let go of something is to let it flow – in other words ride the waves of emotion and let go of the need to formally let it go. Somehow the process of letting things flow (i.e., letting the waves roll over my subconscious and not giving them focus or concentration) seems to dissipate their strength – and the next time the same wave comes (it does not magically go away) its amplitude (size) is less. Before long, I know the wave will be a mere ripple. By letting things flow instead of forcing the memory out (letting go), I also feel more open to the possibility of new better memories.The past defines us in so many ways and the past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.I hope some of you remember the famous quote which I just cited in here. I like this quote: “Our past is not merely something to depart from; it is to commune with, to speak with” Wendell Berry had some very specific issues and concerns in mind here, of course, but these words and images speak to my current explorations as well. As I think about journeying, it is somewhat easier for me to imagine living into questions as I look ahead, and more challenging to think about how to do so as I look backwards. How do we — as individuals, or communities, or institutions — attend to the past in ways that recognize its constitutive value (how it forms and informs us) without settling into a rigid sense that it defines us? A quick reading of Berry’s first quote, “The past is our definition,” could be used to support a static reading of what has come before, as well as a direct link or cause-effect relationship between the “realities” of the past and the possibilities of the future. But his mention of “adding something” to it, as well as the more active image of “to commune with, to speak with,” seems to offer a bit more potential. This sort of perspective, along with words like “wakefulness” and “mystery,” offers an alternative, one in which the past is just as open as the future, not for fixing or resolving (answering), but for a living process of engagement and exploration — questioning, not for the sake of interrogation or justification, but rather for and within that sense of mystery and possibility. As I think about continuity, this is a good place to start. I can’t simply jetish on my past, that past is something which is a part of me, has formed me, and despite my rumblings, remains part of me (my hermeneutical framework, epistemology, etc). so, the challenge for me is to engage in this past, despite my frustrations with it and, not just engage in this past but to commune with it. It is also a helpful reminder as I want to be fully integrated, but also a challenge because of the pitfalls I see in engaging/communing with this particular part of my past. To me, this means that when we try to let go of something or run from a bad memory, we can’t really escape it. Instead, when we add to our collective past with a positive memory, we escape what was there before. My mind waves continuously: let it go, let it go…I can hear the whispers but I don’t want to listen to it .I am mute to my own awakening,I am too comfortable with my past and instead of deliberately removing damaged pieces and leaving holes in the structure, I choose to allow new pieces to come in and thus, remove the old ones as a matter of course. My life is like the Lego house.So many new pieces that I lost counting …This is a conscious choice – rather than trying to escape the past through concentrating on letting go, new positive experiences can replace the painful memories. I am not hurt by my past anymore but it’s still there and its part of me ….As distance grows from the past, my new, positive experiences today replace (and add on to) my history. Good memories enhance and build up on past good memories, and painful ones can be replaced with new adventures. This gives me hope!In terms of relationships, now that I experience self-love, it adds on positively and I can escape the bad memories of love in the past. When my financial independence comes about with new and new opportunities, my memory of the pain of financial troubles will ebb. As I meet and engage with new positive people, I can escape the memories of toxic friendships of the past.The veil is removed and I listen …I am listening and I am learning that life is worth living …

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