most time we dont realise how happy we are when everything turned well in our favour .At the same time, what should I say? “Praise be, I’m healed!”?? Life goes on, and I’m a lucky girl because my life is good. Even though couple of months life hasnt been good and had some things in that shocked me, or frightened me, or stressed me out, in the end, some of those things are but blips in my radar, and others have their resolution and the story ends.
What I’ve noticed about myself in these last few years (and having to lead a new life is that there’s a marked difference between the way I write about something here and the way it plays out in real life. What I mean is, here I stress and over-analyze and the problem seems to loom large and impossible. But in real life, I’ll still stress and feel crappy, but the problem is not always that big. Specifically, I don’t spend all day thinking about it, nor does it totally consume me. Some things, yeah, they weigh heavy and come in and out of my mind; but for the most part, things get magnified here in a way that they’re not in my life. At the same time, that’s one of the purposes of this blog: to let me magnify things so I can get the hell over them.
I noticed this change, this shift from seriously over-analyzing and obsessing (trust me, whatever over-analyzing and obsessing I do now is nothing compared to how I used to be) Initially, things changed for practical reasons: with a new, itty bitty life and all that came with it, there was just no time or energy to treat things as I used to. I remember thinking, the first few times I rolled these thoughts in my head, that I’d spent my life over-analyzing because I obviously had nothing better to do.
But there were other factors, too. For one, I think I grew up some and matured more. Also, this new-found mental freedom was the result of all the work I’d put into my as I was calling ,,therapy”. And all in all, this was a win for me. Whatever the reasons, in the end, what’s mattered to me are the changes I’ve seen in myself and how I live my life. This is a process that’s been years in the works, and it continues.
So, there is indeed a marked difference in how the things that happen in my life affect me in reality vs. how they come across in here, but to me, it’s understandable. The consequence of this, though, is that when I see people I know in my personal life whom I know read this blog, I always feel awkward. I always think that they must feel awkward, too, thinking about all they’ve read here and thinking that I must be such a sad mess, but I don’t know how to address it. I always have an urge to acknowledge the elephant in the room and be like, “Hey, I’m not as insane as I come across in my blog. I swear. Really. See me right here? Not insane!” But that, I think, would just make things worse. And the truth is, the moment passes. I feel the awkwardness, but it goes away within minutes, and it never seems worth it to make anything of it.
Many ups and down marked my life again and again.The silver lining even in that was that it served as another experience for me to learn and grow from. Whatever’s come after that has been completely manageable because that was so devastating. Even recent nonsense that threw me for a loop – even that was done and gone once the initial “WTF?” feeling passed and I figured out what I really felt and acted on those feelings.
So…. to summarize. Hahahahahaha.
I really don’t know how to look back at the things that took up so much space here and wrap ’em up in a neat bow. I’ve started some posts where I try to offer a window into what I feel now and why, but it’s such a difficult thing to capture. Maybe it’s just something that really can’t be captured – not in any wholly accurate, complete way.
I guess the best I can say is, it’s all good. Doors have been firmly closed and I feel good about it. I’ve moved on, and I feel good about it. My attitude is good. I’m good.
And the things that lie ahead? They’re good, too. So look at me now ,,cinderella became princess ,and yes I moved on ,,,life is good ,,,I am climbing my ladder ,,,life and career ladder ,,its not point to look back .I am good and I am happy .
mimipopa 