The History We Build, The Promises We Break

 

I’ve meditated  and  I’ve had to really examine the confusing mix of feelings inside me: curiosity, loneliness, hope, uncertainty. I feel like a ticking time bomb, my vulnerability so present and raw that I believe I can’t trust myself because what is important now is that I remain guarded and alert. I’ve tested myself, and failed; I’ve asked myself, can I open up to someone and let him in?But before I can think about this, if I could even attempt to ignore the giant “NO!” flashing in my head, I find myself too deep in my thoughts about the past; or rather, the  couple of  years of my life and all the memories, history and promises I’ve had to let go of this last year.my life huh – before, even; when I realized I could no longer continue with things as they were – one of the heaviest thoughts I had was this: how do I let go of the last 20 years? What do I do with all that history? Where do I put the memories?It seemed like such a daunting task, impossible. How could I let go? How could I walk away? Especially when a large part of me simply didn’t want to do it?And when everything ended, these questions still haunted me. For as much as I felt that my feelings faded, I too had walked away, I too had decided that my life was not a healthy, happy one, and that I could not continue in it, despite those memories and all that history; despite the promises I’d made and the promise I felt we had .Even when a marriage has careened so far from what it was at its best, the history and the memories haunt and hurt. Worse still are all the promises we break. I don’t know the formula for this, the thing that will ease the sting of all I’ve had to let go of. The hope, I suppose, lies in the rebuildidingI wish I had a set answer for this, but all I have are these scattered thoughts: a marriage is more ( so much more) than memories and promises; sometimes, no matter how long you have been with someone, they just are not the right person for you (or you for them); building a life together, one that is fulfilling and interesting and happy and healthy and that can stand the test of time and monotony, requires a delicate mix of qualities that you have to get down right somehow, or an undercurrent of dissatisfaction will settle in and just stay there; you can never underestimate the passion that you must have for each other and that life you build, because that is what can see you through the crappier times; the things that tore you apart once will tear you apart again if you are not completely dedicated to nurturing and cherishing what you have; the work and sacrifice required to keep it all together and have it all be good is intense, and you better be damn sure that the person you chose is one for whom all that work and sacrifice is worth it; and finally, just as it takes two people to make a marriage, it most definitely takes two to unmake it.I sometimes find myself thinking about the history and memories and promise vs. the reality of our life together and the road we were on. There came a point for me where I had to stop talking about all we’d been through, all we could be, and focus just on what was. What was and had been for too long, a situation where the foundation kept cracking under the very painful possibility that after everything, or in spite of everything, or because of everything, we two were just not right for each other, not two people who could provide each other with a satisfying, happy life.Was that the point where it became o.k. to reconsider the notion of “for better or for worse”? Because I remember the chain of events and feelings that made me conclude that I personally could not do for better or for worse, and my reasons for this are complicated and personal and divided into layers – but solid nonetheless.I used to think so much about how we were “meant to be.” Until the day came where I could not stop asking myself – but if we are meant to be, if we are right for each other, why is it like this? Why these gaping holes in what should be a joy-filled life? I have no answers, and I don’t expect to ever have them. But now I wonder, do people ever really belong together, or do we just make ourselves belong?Letting go of the history has been (continues to be) a difficult task. For now, I have learned to live with those memories and history. I have no expectation that I can do anything with them besides move them somewhere more removed from my day-to-day thoughts. They are there, not completely forgotten, but not within my reach, either. Like a sick, elderly relative in the room next door, I make my way quietly around them, seeking not to disturb them, knowing they may call on me from time to time; and if they do, I will give them my attention but will not linger.The pull of history, of the habits formed over many years, is very hard to separate from, though it is necessary into order to examine a marriage objectively. It is a task too laced with fear – fear of what one may find there, fear of the unknown – and too painful to justify rocking the boat. Some people never do it, even as they know something is wrong, and remain mired in a life that is at times good, but never wholly fulfilling, to not speak of genuinely happy.   How many of us can recall ourselves  in this  episode …how many of us made promises we break ?Its never to late to change things ,,,just embark on a new path full with new opportunities,,,start anew ,,,say farewells to the olds ,,the new one is here ….
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